sometimes feelings = BLAAAH!

I've been putting off posting here, friends.  Mainly because I felt like I needed to tell you I'd been thinking through some deep stuff and this is how I saw it relating to both running and to life....well, I don't.  Quite honestly, the past few weeks I've just been trying to get by.  I feel a little un-hinged right now...there are quite a few things that are up in the air and I don't feel like much is on steady ground right now.  A bit unnerving, to say the least!

I don't really need to go into specifics but it's a lot of life stuff and a little running stuff.  In regards to running stuff, I'm more prepared for this marathon than Chicago (Oct '09) and perhaps just as prepared as the Portland Half (Oct '10).  I ran three 20milers.  I ramped up training after a long, brutal winter.  I am feeling great physically and know that I can do this.  It's just....what if I can't.  What if I totally fall apart and don't finish.  What if I don't represent Massachusetts well (being a part of the 50 State Challenge and all, I feel pressure there...).  What if I don't beat my Chicago time.  What if I suffer an injury in the next 17 days and I can't even start.

And then there's the life stuff:  apartment, job, relationships.  I mean, come on!  How much change and unsettled-ness can one girl take at one time?  It's been tough doing ministry and feeling close to God in all this too.  I know He's there, I know that I can rely on Him to help me through these weird unsettled times, but sometimes it's all I can do to get up in the morning, let alone be pouring out to other people...  After being in ministry for as long as I have, it's almost as if people expect you to be a certain way, and I just don't have it anymore.  Or, what I should say is, Right Now.  I need a break, I need to be refreshed and to just take some time to myself and focus on what is next. 

And currently, in 17 days precisely, Next is the Kalamazoo Marathon.  It's coming like a freight train.  And whatever I have to do, I will fight off these negative thoughts and run this race to the very best of my ability!  Maybe all this craziness is just me giving into taper madness....